Valuing yourself in a relationship

Added: Bejamin Albanese - Date: 24.12.2021 07:57 - Views: 11759 - Clicks: 3632

I always found the concept of self-love embarrassing and horrifying. Just thinking about it would make me cringe. Quite frankly, I felt disgusted by it and thought it was a new-age invention by self-centerd people who wanted to have more opportunities to be selfish. Sure, I was young then, but I can now also see how that reaction reflected the truth about the absolute absence of self-love in my life. I particularly struggled in my romantic relationships even though that was the area I most valued and focused on. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than a loving and fun relationship.

I wanted someone to make me feel lovedsafe, and happy. Every time I experienced difficult feelings or low moods, I felt disappointed, silently angry, and resentful because I blamed my partner for causing my unhappiness. I blamed them because, in my eyes, they let me down. If they did a better job at being a supportive and loving partner, I would be feeling better, right? And so, at first, I tried to change and fix my partners. I struggled with the pain and desperation of unmet needs but failed to see that I could give myself what I wanted and needed.

Codependency ruled and ruined my relationships. While recovering from codependency, I had many realizations that paved the way for developing an honest sense of self-worth. The notions of self-love I ly rejected so much now come naturally. They just make sense. Valuing yourself in a relationship way you treat yourself and how you let others treat you shows you how much or little you really value yourself. So notice the standards you set. Notice what you tolerate.

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This will tell you whether or not you value yourself if you are unsure. Noticing that this is something you can practice in your relationship.

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If you want to learn how to treat yourself better, think about how you treat something or someone you value and truly appreciate. Then begin to set healthy standards for how you treat yourself and what behaviors you accept from others. For example, notice when you choose to go without something you want or need, and make a different choice. Find a solution for how you can give it to yourself. Be proactive when it comes to pleasing yourself or supporting yourself. Or, if someone is talking to you in demeaning and disrespectful ways, remind yourself that this is no longer acceptable because you now protect what you value: you.

So far, we have established that we take care of what we value. Your self-care is therefore an expression of what you believe about yourself. I am quite blunt about the absence of self-care and call it self-neglect. If Valuing yourself in a relationship fail to take care of yourself, you give your partner a neglected version of yourself, which certainly impacts your relationship negatively.

It may also put pressure on your partner to take on your responsibilities. You may feel too depleted to go out, take part in activities, or have fun. It is absolutely vital for you to take care of yourself. You deserve your own time, attention, and care. When we neglect ourselves, we deprive ourselves of what we need: attention, consideration, care, support, reassurance, connection, encouragement, and love. We then tend to look toward others to provide it for us.

We mistakenly believe that the pain we experience is something only they can soothe or heal. The problem is that others cannot do it for us. They cannot fill the void we create by depriving ourselves of self-care. Other people can support us and boost us from time to time, but they simply cannot do it for Valuing yourself in a relationship because their efforts meet a void and simply disappear into inificance.

Neglecting ourselves and expecting our partner to do our job for us is the biggest relationship killer. It sets us up for endless disappointment and feeling unloved because another person does not have access to what you have access to—your inner self—and therefore cannot meet your specific needs in the way you need them to be met. All relationships require emotional safety. It allows us to express ourselves honestly, openly, and authentically.

We know that our partner gives us space to simply be and express who we are in that moment and to respond lovingly. We deny what we feel, want, and need. We make ourselves not matter in our own lives. It is not safe for me to tell myself that I want something when I am being ignored, judged, or shamed for it. It is not safe for me to be vulnerable and open up to myself when I am being told to go away, avoid my feelings and desires, or that someone else is more important than me.

The problem is that by not being emotionally safe to myself, I cannot be emotionally available to others because I simply cannot go there. I cannot be honest and vulnerable. I cannot share what I am too afraid to see. And so, not being emotionally safe and available to myself means that I put a limit on how deeply I can connect with my partner, which will negatively affect the level of intimacy we can develop and experience. Intimacy needs openness and emotional connection and cannot exist without emotional safety. We co-create them.

So it can feel like a huge loss to be told that you need to learn to look after yourself to have the relationship you want. I believe that we learn as we go along. We learn through and from our experiences and adapt our behaviors and decisions accordingly. It is quite possibly the least complicated way to start over.

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It is also possible to learn to like and love yourself within a relationship and have that relationship change and improve as a result of your transformation because, after all, you co-create it. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for all the other relationships you have in your life.

The good thing is that you are in charge of that now. You have the power and you get to choose how you treat yourself. Will you continue to deprive, neglect, or abuse yourself? Or are you willing to truly change your life by changing how you relate to yourself? Marlena helps people who struggle in relationships, due to codependency, insecure attachment, and unresolved trauma, develop and change in ways that allow them to finally get the love they need.

She works as a psychotherapist, relationship coach, and clinical director and loves to connect on Instagram or via her Love with Clarity Facebook group and. She is an expert in human relationships and sees them as the lifeblood of a meaningful existence. This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice.

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The content on Tiny Buddha is deed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. At that time, I was not aware that my lack of self-love affected many other areas of my life.

I lived like that for the majority of my life. Others Cannot Fill the Void You Create When we neglect ourselves, we deprive ourselves of what we need: attention, consideration, care, support, reassurance, connection, encouragement, and love. This is a that we lack emotional safety within our relationship with ourselves. The choice is yours and yours alone. About Marlena Tillhon Marlena helps people who struggle in relationships, due to codependency, insecure attachment, and unresolved trauma, develop and change in ways that allow them to finally get the love they need.

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Valuing yourself in a relationship

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How to Value Yourself in Relationships